23rd is the day as i expected

its been a while, i didn't write anything in my blog.
so here it goes.

23rd is not the ideal date for my 'imaginary wedding' never
23rd is not the ideal date i want to have my nice waffle day
no its not

thrice its happen and its 23rd.
(im sorry aten its always bad in ur birthday)

this is the same date when i said i want to run away to study abroad 2 years ago
and its the same date when i said i want to work far away from everyone that i know.
i will

im used to it, being independent

Its always like this, I run away, thts whats the best that i can do.
I will run away again and again so i wont get hurt.

to the person who used to share the same happiness with me
im glad Allah let us meet. I hope you can learn the good and also the bad side of me.
I hope its not something you want to forget, because i know i wont forget it
Its bitter-sweet memories that I always treasure.

Im starting new,
10 things that i want to achieve:

1) get my master degree
2) get a good career research career(stay long for the experience)
3) always be energetic give back to society
4) get a group of sisters that want to learn more about religion and faith
5) when im good in fixing myself, its time for me to continue phd (tertiary education second while agama num 1) (sick of diri sndiri yang pentingkan tertiary education rather than akhirat one)
6) my phd will be in malaysia. (i dont want to be far away from mama papa again)
5) teach for malaysia ( i want to be a teacher to inspire kids)
6) travel more especially south asian, and this time will be indonesia
7) give back to mama n papa (sorry list kat bawah but u guys are always my num 1)
8) simpan duit and do something with it, need to ask aliah bout money management
9) i want to open up kids cooking class, i need to start small (maybe post in facebook or something) idkyt
10) its time for me to be a new me.

deep down inside this is a motivation down under my sorrow.
i feel awful because deep inside it doesnt have to end this way , but it did.
forgive me , always forgive me.

to the person who knew me very well
ieka

surat cinta kite

ya rabb dah lama ika x nangis lepas solat dah lama x mengadu. dah lama ika tak buat semua bende tu ika bagaikan lupa dekatmu ya rabb. leka lalai itulah yang selama ni ika buat. lupe dgn nikmat dunia dan x pernah nak mengaitkan betapa penyayang dan pemurahnya mu ya rabb berikan nikmat hidup di dunia ni. ya allah ampunnkan dosa -dosa ika.ika banyak sangat buat dosa ika rasa ika x layak nak ckp mcm ni dgn mu ya allah tpi ika tahu allah tahu ape yg ade dlm hati ika wlpon ika x ckp pun. mungkin slama ni die tahu ikanlupe dekat allah. ika berazam untuk berubah ke mnjadi orang yang lebih baik lagi. masa depan nnty ika pun akan jadi ibu ika mesti nak didik anak ika jadi yg lebih baik dripada ibu die. bukannya cakap xpela dlu ibu leh buat semua bende ni jadi anak pun boleh buat. tak ape insyallah ya rabb tolong kuatkan ika ye. ika sayang sgt dekat mu.. ika kene jaga elok elok kuat kuat my precious tak nak kehilangan mu lagi ya rabb. i love u allah.

eveything doomed

since i came here everything seems not right. i miss my family. i dont have my family support. i need them in my life and sometimes i do love the idea of being dead. im a depressed person i always think that what if i cross the road and sudenly car hit me. and ill be dead and ill be having the other problem in grave cuz im not a nice person. ill be tortured in my grave. then i thought why i choose not to be a good person? cuz i am like that im not a good person as a muslim im sux! i dont want to go far in that part. so to try forget about my problem i will take lots of pills so that i can forget about my pain my problems thats how i handle my sadness. when i woke up i feel blurry i feel empty i forget about my problem for a while. i am not facing this for the moment but i wish i am dead right now. i wish i am brave enough to slit my throat or to slit my wrist but i am not. i wish im dead right now. i wish i wish. i love my family my friends my sayang but i am a total failure for them. just take my lives ya rabb. just take it. i cant do this anymore.

i never love someone like this

i know that i have been playing around quite sometimes. i am a selfish person who always think for myself. in a relationship ill do what i think its right but apparently thts not how its supposed to be. i always left out and didnt hear what others opinion cuz i always think im the right one. and i dont know ive been doing that all this while. i used to bare myself to my friends and they did told me about what i did and all and i just thought im not that bad. but the ugly truth is yes i am. i am a mean person who didnt care about anyone else. im a self centred person and im always being judgemental.  

but the day ive meet you , you held my hand. you proved to me that two world apart can be one. i never love someone like this. you helped me you fix me but i always messed things up again and again. again and again.  i always being the one who is stubborn and saying im the right person and make other feel shit. thts who i am and im worried u will give up on me. im want to fix myself i want to fix the way how i think cuz it always ruined us. i need to hold u n grab u before u get so far from me. we are slowly parting away i need to do something to fix us up. alhamdulillah you and i know we need a lil bit fixing and im trying here. i try so bad even i always end up to be the stubborn n she is so mrs right! sgt menyampah dgn diri sndiri. 

i need to do something i know i need to comeup with something i will  i will i promise myself i will. 

to the one that i love.

forgive me.

http://youtu.be/U8SVsEDoawc

regret

am i too bad? am i too evil? am i the one who always screw up? i cant even look at myself. im selfish who just think about myself. i should shut my mind and just bare with the pain. n now no one wants me .

Europe Trip (Manchester - Berlin)

Its been a while I didnt write my blog. It takes a lot of effort to post this story because i know i wouldnt do it if i went back home. Lol ! So here i am in the train on our way to vienna from prague writing on my europe trip. ok here it is , all my life i have been dreaming on since i was a kid to travel the whole world and europe is the continent that i want to explore. Allhamdulillah ive  dream big and Allah gave me the chance to study in oversea. Today is the third day of our exploration. We began from berlin which is our first destination. The reason Im posting this blog I know there people are always looking for information especially if they are travelling europe and with they intended to have the same journey path like we did. Its better i do in Q&A format because it would not make me merapu and goes on writing senseless. 👍👍

So first step :

1) How did you travel in Europe?

I am using Eurail travel pass with selected countries by train. The price is worth it less than 200 pound equivalent approximate RM 1000 Malaysia to 4 countries you choose by yourself.

The terms of the travel pass is you may travel 6 days in two months which means   kita boleh travel di dalam 4 negara yang dipilih dgn mengunakan train international di dalam tempoh dua bulan. 

So if contoh kita ade bapak sedara ker aunty ker duduk  munich berlin ker prague ker boleh la stay situ lama lama before sambung trip train ke tempat lain pulak. 

2) Which country did you choose?

We choosed Germany-Austria-Czech Republic - Italy 

This is the cities or places that we decided to stop. 

Berlin-Prague/Praha-Vienna/Wien-Munich-Salzburg-Rome-Venice

3)What is eurail ?

The company that offer train services in the europe. There are lots of train that connects between negara-negara di europe and eurail offer different type of passes specifically for travelers who want to travel to and fro in europe countries.

boleh pergi ke website die and findout pasal eurail.

www.eurail.com

i want to continue writing about my trip and information lain tetapi sudah drowsy and i really need sleep. will be writing again on the next train trip to munich. 

apa-apapun i will post some picture to describe the whole journey!

Our first day of journey Manchester to Berlin 

My traveling partners Dhiya and inas. anem who take the picture.

this is our flight from manchester to berlin.

Manchester to Berlin 4hours flight duration by easy jet. 

famous landmark in berlin Brandenburger tor.

and of course the berlin wall

will continue after this 

2009-2012

Hargai memori ini. Kita tak mampu kembali utk merasakannya. Terimakasih atas segala galanya.

epic song from school memories

keep playing this song

hati pedih
mata masuk habuk
hingus leleh
susah la aih
bile hati dah cabuk

sudoh sudoh laa
permainan hati ni
xpernah nak betul

mode royan

Realitinya aku menangis

Serius aku insan lemah.
Serius aku insan yg mampu di goda oleh musuh  manusia iaitu syaitan.  Serius aku mempersoalkan urusan tuhan.
Serius aku ni tak bersyukur.
Serius aku ni mcm x payah sembahyang pun x apalah.
Serius apa yang aku cakap ni hasil dari luluhnya hati dari harapan.
Serius aku perlukan penyelesaian. Serius aku tahu ini ujian utkku tetapi kenapa susah sgt utk aku terimanya. Serius aku x mampu buat apa-apa.

Kau tuhan aku hamba mu.

Aku skrg ini ibarat hitam.
Serius aku perlukan mu Puteh.

Serius puteh yang tak putus harapan dgnku yang hingga extreme bagi aku penampor laju laju biar aku sedar sket.

Bukan apa penampor tuh utk aku sedar betapa hinanya keadaan aku skrg ini.

Serius aku nak kau.

Puteh!

Serius puteh aku tahu kau adlh harapan tuhan bgi utk aku.

P/s: aku bukak mata nangis kembali. Best betul kalau aku dlm dunia mimpi dan bukan realiti.

6.09pagi

Jenis Lelaki

Lelaki

Yang paling sweet itu yang bagi tahi.

P/s: doakan aku untuk masa depan aku yang jauh tak tentu lagi.

Realitinya

Hati ku semak,
Hati ku sempit,
Macam tak ada ruang ,
untuk cinta-cintun ni.

Bukan apa,
Kita buang masa,
buang tenaga ,
apatah lagi celaru rasa.

Bahagia, Seronok, Manis, Sayang
Itu yang best aje,

Perit, Pedih, Sedih, Sangsi, Cemburu, Kecewa...
Kuat pulak aku nak tadahkannya?

Bukan apa,
Semuanya kabur,
Tiada pangkal hujung,

Kalau kau sukakan aku,
Aku suka kan kau,
Jangan putus doanya,
Suatu hari nanti,
Insyallah dimakbulkan Ilahi.

I am SCARED

I've always been a girl who is ambitious,
I wanna climb the wall,
I wanna feel how hard is it to climb those wall,

I wanna jump off the building,
I wanna know how exhilarating it is,

I wanna dive in the sea,
I wanna feel the deepness of water , dark, scary but fascinating with the sea creatures,
I wanna be in front of people, giving out speech,
debates, arguing on my points, let them know what I'm dying to prove on,

I wanna be someone who useful to society,
I dream big,
I want to help strayed kids and show them the world are not always fair and it's us who changed it,

I wanna be a mother,
I will give out all my loved to those tiny human,
I will take care of them till they are big enough to do their own judgement,
and once a while they will come to their mama and ask did they do right in their life
and I loved to have those feeling.

All my dream are ambitious enough for me,

But The only thing that I'm afraid is,

to be in love again.
I'm damn scared of it.
I know I'm a chicken.

Do you know when your in love,
you are risking yourself to be hurt,
you let your heart exposed to pain,
and end up crying like a mad person?
and yet we still want it!

I wish I can be that strong ambitious woman without any feeling
so that I would not feel those pain...
Please tell me there a reason why we need to feel those pain.

p/s: my first blog post in 2013 turn out to be a heartbreaking emotion diary. I'm sorry you have to read this and thanks for your attention.

Am I ready for  this?

Writting that should be posted long way before. To those who listen , read , speaks and use their sensitivity.

I am a very sensitive person and expressing what I feel to the person that I LOVE is really a big matter to me. When I've been put down for once I will remember it and not letting it go.

3 years of relationship, I never regret it. Im in love, I learned how to love, I accept love. All those sweetness I treasured,I keep it in my memory box and I say thank you to them.

The dirty sides of love? I shall take it put in my memory box and use it as a lesson in my future.They are my handy men and I am thankful for that.

Things happen for it reason kan?

So, whatmore can I say except saying Allhamdulillah?

P/s : This is a left out blog post. And this puisi actually what I feel at that moment. Jazakallah...

Ya Allah,
Andai masanya belum tiba,
Jangan izinkan aku untuk jatuh cinta,
Aku memohon agar Kau tunjukkan jalan,
Agar Kau tunjukkan aku tuntutun yang perlu aku lakukan,
Jauhkanlah aku daripada kemaksiatan,
Jauhkanlah aku daripada perkara yang tidak dapat memberi manfaat,
Dan jauhkan aku daripada perkara yang Engkau murkai,
Agar aku dapat menjaga diri.

Ya Allah,
Jika aku jatuh cinta,
Izinkanlah aku menyentuh hati seseorang yang hatinya tertaut pada-Mu,
Jadikanlah aku yang mencintainya kerana agama yang ada padanya,
Jika dia hilangkan agama yang ada dalam dirinya,
Maka hilanglah cintaku padanya,
Sesungguhnya, cinta yang suci itu tidak buta.

Ya Allah,
Dan jika dia mencintai aku,
Biarkanlah dia mencintai aku kerana agama itu juga,
Asalkan dia tidak lebihkan cinta kepadaku melebihi cinta kepadaMu,
Supaya cinta itu bersemi di lembayung keredhaan-Mu,
Kerna dari situ lahirlah rahmah dan mawaddah dalam rumahtangga.

Ya Allah,
Jika ini bukan masanya,
Jika ini belum saatnya,
Dan jika Kau tahu kami belum bersedia,
Selamatkan kami,
Jarakkan kami,
Pisahkan kami,
Agar kami jauh dari khilaf yang merosak izzah dan iffah,
Agar kami tak mengundang murka-MU,
Agar kami dapat lebih menjaga hati,
Agar hati menjadi yang diredhai ilahi.

Ya Allah,
Andai dia bukan untuk ku,
Andai dia bukan jodohku,
Maka berilah ganti yang lebih baik buatnya,
Berikanlah dia insan yang benar benar terbaik buat kehidupannya,
Insan yang benar-benar mampu memimpinnya ke syurga-Mu,
Dan bantulah aku untuk memperbaiki diriku,
Agar aku kukuh dalam mencari cinta-Mu.

Ameen..

Sis I love you!

The moment when you think you want to quit , you have to rewind yourself back on how you are. Well you just arrived at one destination , you are new to that place , fresh and didn't know anything.Back to basic which means you are zero .

But now you are nearly ending , the hundreds meters you ran are nearly finish . You are gasping so hard , breathing for air but at the same time you are running and keep running because you want to REACH for it . At those moment you are 50/50 . You are thinking . Are you going to win? or Are you going to lose?

With those fatigues , weariness and also difficult mind to think wouldn't You cut the crap and just run! till the end. Cause you know you will be finish the race and the wining or losing isn't matter anyway.

So dear , please think all these thing that you are nearly finish . You will be going home sooner or later . We all cares and support you . We know you are so strong ,well Ghazi'ians are strong and tuff! so you are! We are proud of you! So keep on hanging there and run till the finish line!


Insyallah soon you will get those rewards from your own effort.

p/s: just a lil gift for you , see this video if you want to play your guitar. Learn some new chords , when you come home boleh la poyo ngn aku. Tcre kak! loves

Xmas in Zurich

When it comes to Christmas , I was the one who are very excited. Its not that we are celebrating the festival but I know the idea of Christmas is getting a present from family and friends. I just loved this giving present things as it is such a surprised rather than getting duit raya. Yeah I think I have my own Christmas experienced back then when our family are staying in Johor Bahru . I can't remember how is it the celebration but maybe we went to see my dad's friends. I can choose one box of present which is piled up at the Christmas tree. It was long time a go but still it keep remains in my memories.

Enough about the old stories , just want to let you know that Christmas in Zurich are so exciting. Its not even December they already put up the x mas light. The very famous Lucy Light which all over the Banhoff street and when you be there you will see its like snows falling down. It is such a nice view and from there you will know Christmas is coming!

This pictures are singing xmas tree where there would be choir up in the x mas tree. There would be so much people see the event and its so much fun when the kids also are singing together. :)

The singing Christmas tree :)

This is the lucy light , that lights up all the Banhof Street.

Don't you love all the details of it? Colorful ! Loved it so much!

This is the famous Swaroski Christmas tree which is made from crystal and diamonds.

I just loved to spend my days in Zurich and I know I will be heading back home soon . The one that I missed my family in Zurich and also my crazy double sided head friends Fatma. hehe

p/s: If you read this fatma , do cry for me and sing MOTHER LOVER SONG! hhahaha

another p/s: I am so lazy to fix my grammar. Sorry papa if you read this. I'll work it on next time. hahaha

Zurich Nightlife

There is one guy from the Swiss TV "SRF" is very friendly to me and as usual , I am the tourist in Zurich. So he ask lot of question about what I have been doing here in Zurich. He also suggest me some of Zurich attraction place. He was kind enough to offer me to have a hiking trip again when there is snow. But in my mind "don't let him so serious about this , hiking trip again??"

It is not that I don't like hiking , I do LOVED it ! Especially when we reach up in the Swiss Alps , no words can described how beautiful it was. Subhanallah!

But again when I am thinking how long does it take to be walking up in the hill , in the meadow and how steep it was ??And the fact that I need four days to fully recover my legs! ahhh ... I would like to re- consider his invitation though.

But later one he tells that , ZURICH is most popular for its nightlife. And again he ask me have you been one of Zurich club?

and i was like errr............ ( there was a silence moment )

I was smiling to him like I didn't say yes or no.

Oh yeah , I really know the fact that Zurich is famous for its nightclub and pub. Haaha .

But frankly to tell the truth , my nightlife are not like theirs.

Hahaa I rather having a cozy sleep in the bed or having hot chocolate at the coffee shop.

I choose quiet and peace rather than some techno music banging in the head. No offence techno lovers , we are all have different kind of taste and that is why we are so unique for the way we are.

One thing that I know about Zurich it is so beautiful when the nights come.

From the right : Grossmunster churche , St.Peter Kirche and also Fraumunster.


p/s: when my mum ask me how am i doing . Will i be thin when i go back home , and i only answer her MUM , mostly I eat CHEESE. so sila lah lihat pipi saya.

You are not eligible yet!

The reason of this post because its just a reminder to myself that i am not eligible YET to be married.

Cammano nak kahwin ah ?? One incident that make me think y it is :

1) There are few attempt to cook rice without 'rice cooker' because with rice cooker dah pass! and yes in Zurich I dont think they used rice cooker. All they eat are pasta and bread.

Yesterday I boiled the rice and unfortunately die x masak!!!! I don't know why? so this is my failure moment. It seems like dah masak but in the end when i want to have my dinner , It is uncooked!

:(

So today I continue on my cooking failure. I try to make bubur with nasi semalam .

I thought i am genius when i just leave the uncooked rice with a lot of water in it . Guess what? Hangit!!

At this moment i said to myself " stop dreaming Ika !"

2) The second thing that I went for groceries shopping to buy some veges and other stuff .So Fatma company me and we both go to Migros. When we both look at Kobis , we dont know which one to take: the big one or the small one. I take the small one - sbb nak murah and no it is not. Its damm expensive . A kobis for likely RM 10 ?? Can you imagine? And when i come home , I prepare all tHE stuff to cook and that time just I realized the SMALL kobis which is EXPENSIVE belum masak lagi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I found it is very hilarious because both of us are not ELIGIBLE TO GET MARRIED YET!

p/s: In the end ika makan nasi bubur dengan sayur kobis masak lemak santan and sambal ikan bilis 3 in 1 Brahim. haha such a loser but syukur tidak pernah lapar di sini.

:)

Childhood memories

I could listen to this song over and over !

and singing it in the shower!

Not a fixer to be

Recently I try to mend something but I have to accept the fact that I am not a fixer.
I try to mend something that is precious , gifted and something took about 8 years of our sweet childhood & youthful lives.
The result of the fixing things ??
Sigh , no answer.
I just make it more worst.
The least I can do is to sit quietly and not messing with anyone.

I can't save everything that I want.
Maybe that is how life turned out to be.

Back and Forth love

This is what exactly it is all about. we are in back and forth , in fighting for our love. ridiculous as it seems but this is the reality.



p/s :I love you always and forever baby, that's all i need.