23rd is the day as i expected

its been a while, i didn't write anything in my blog.
so here it goes.

23rd is not the ideal date for my 'imaginary wedding' never
23rd is not the ideal date i want to have my nice waffle day
no its not

thrice its happen and its 23rd.
(im sorry aten its always bad in ur birthday)

this is the same date when i said i want to run away to study abroad 2 years ago
and its the same date when i said i want to work far away from everyone that i know.
i will

im used to it, being independent

Its always like this, I run away, thts whats the best that i can do.
I will run away again and again so i wont get hurt.

to the person who used to share the same happiness with me
im glad Allah let us meet. I hope you can learn the good and also the bad side of me.
I hope its not something you want to forget, because i know i wont forget it
Its bitter-sweet memories that I always treasure.

Im starting new,
10 things that i want to achieve:

1) get my master degree
2) get a good career research career(stay long for the experience)
3) always be energetic give back to society
4) get a group of sisters that want to learn more about religion and faith
5) when im good in fixing myself, its time for me to continue phd (tertiary education second while agama num 1) (sick of diri sndiri yang pentingkan tertiary education rather than akhirat one)
6) my phd will be in malaysia. (i dont want to be far away from mama papa again)
5) teach for malaysia ( i want to be a teacher to inspire kids)
6) travel more especially south asian, and this time will be indonesia
7) give back to mama n papa (sorry list kat bawah but u guys are always my num 1)
8) simpan duit and do something with it, need to ask aliah bout money management
9) i want to open up kids cooking class, i need to start small (maybe post in facebook or something) idkyt
10) its time for me to be a new me.

deep down inside this is a motivation down under my sorrow.
i feel awful because deep inside it doesnt have to end this way , but it did.
forgive me , always forgive me.

to the person who knew me very well
ieka

surat cinta kite

ya rabb dah lama ika x nangis lepas solat dah lama x mengadu. dah lama ika tak buat semua bende tu ika bagaikan lupa dekatmu ya rabb. leka lalai itulah yang selama ni ika buat. lupe dgn nikmat dunia dan x pernah nak mengaitkan betapa penyayang dan pemurahnya mu ya rabb berikan nikmat hidup di dunia ni. ya allah ampunnkan dosa -dosa ika.ika banyak sangat buat dosa ika rasa ika x layak nak ckp mcm ni dgn mu ya allah tpi ika tahu allah tahu ape yg ade dlm hati ika wlpon ika x ckp pun. mungkin slama ni die tahu ikanlupe dekat allah. ika berazam untuk berubah ke mnjadi orang yang lebih baik lagi. masa depan nnty ika pun akan jadi ibu ika mesti nak didik anak ika jadi yg lebih baik dripada ibu die. bukannya cakap xpela dlu ibu leh buat semua bende ni jadi anak pun boleh buat. tak ape insyallah ya rabb tolong kuatkan ika ye. ika sayang sgt dekat mu.. ika kene jaga elok elok kuat kuat my precious tak nak kehilangan mu lagi ya rabb. i love u allah.

eveything doomed

since i came here everything seems not right. i miss my family. i dont have my family support. i need them in my life and sometimes i do love the idea of being dead. im a depressed person i always think that what if i cross the road and sudenly car hit me. and ill be dead and ill be having the other problem in grave cuz im not a nice person. ill be tortured in my grave. then i thought why i choose not to be a good person? cuz i am like that im not a good person as a muslim im sux! i dont want to go far in that part. so to try forget about my problem i will take lots of pills so that i can forget about my pain my problems thats how i handle my sadness. when i woke up i feel blurry i feel empty i forget about my problem for a while. i am not facing this for the moment but i wish i am dead right now. i wish i am brave enough to slit my throat or to slit my wrist but i am not. i wish im dead right now. i wish i wish. i love my family my friends my sayang but i am a total failure for them. just take my lives ya rabb. just take it. i cant do this anymore.

i never love someone like this

i know that i have been playing around quite sometimes. i am a selfish person who always think for myself. in a relationship ill do what i think its right but apparently thts not how its supposed to be. i always left out and didnt hear what others opinion cuz i always think im the right one. and i dont know ive been doing that all this while. i used to bare myself to my friends and they did told me about what i did and all and i just thought im not that bad. but the ugly truth is yes i am. i am a mean person who didnt care about anyone else. im a self centred person and im always being judgemental.  

but the day ive meet you , you held my hand. you proved to me that two world apart can be one. i never love someone like this. you helped me you fix me but i always messed things up again and again. again and again.  i always being the one who is stubborn and saying im the right person and make other feel shit. thts who i am and im worried u will give up on me. im want to fix myself i want to fix the way how i think cuz it always ruined us. i need to hold u n grab u before u get so far from me. we are slowly parting away i need to do something to fix us up. alhamdulillah you and i know we need a lil bit fixing and im trying here. i try so bad even i always end up to be the stubborn n she is so mrs right! sgt menyampah dgn diri sndiri. 

i need to do something i know i need to comeup with something i will  i will i promise myself i will. 

to the one that i love.

forgive me.

http://youtu.be/U8SVsEDoawc

regret

am i too bad? am i too evil? am i the one who always screw up? i cant even look at myself. im selfish who just think about myself. i should shut my mind and just bare with the pain. n now no one wants me .